Beyond the Norm: A Boomer's Lament

Disclaimer: This is satire and meant in good fun, Magic new and old has always been exciting and fun!

My name is Howard Boomerson, and I’ve been playing Magic since the day that it sold out at Gen Con. I’m 64 years young, and I could still fight any of you reading this. I paid for my wedding with Alpha Moxen, my divorce lawyer with Alpha Bolts, and my OnlyFans subscriptions with Alpha Unholy Strengths.

I’m writing here on the internet today to warn you that Magic is in its death throes. When they removed damage from the stack back in ’86, I didn’t panic. When they started putting basic lands in booster packs, all I did was send a strongly worded letter to WotC. When they announced “New World Order,” I took it in stride. Admittedly, I did torch and flip a few cars, but that’s only because I thought WotC was admitting their part in a deep-state globalist plot.

But what we’re seeing today is truly the end. There’s a saying that you kids probably don’t know, which is about a canary in a coal mine. I know it because I worked in the coal mines back in ’62, and basically, if you kill a canary, you’re gonna kill the whole mine. Or something.

Basically, Modern Jund is the canary, and Magic: the Gathering is the coal mine. I’ve played Modern Jund since Modern was first invented back in ’97. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is a bigger Tarmogoyf fan than this guy. I paid $600 for a playset, which is equivalent to $2,000 in 2021 Biden FunBucks, so I REFUSE to accept that they could ever be unplayable.

But recently, people have been DISRESPECTING Modern’s flagship deck. Is this supposed to be a joke?

In the year of Our Lord 2021, Modern Jund is an Against the ****** Odds deck?! If a two-mana 4/5 followed up by the best three-mana planeswalker ever printed isn’t good enough for Modern, then something is wrong with the game. How in the goddamn world is this kleptomaniac monkey with eye problems better than my pile of claws and teeth?

Even worse than Jund being unplayable is that it’s being disrespected; how DARE you call it Boomer Jund!!! Boomer Jund built the format that you take for granted, you ungrateful child. If it weren’t for Boomer Jund, Ol’ Grandpa Howard never would’ve strung together those 2nd and 3rd place finishes at FNM for MONTHS to buy you all these newfangled “cards” with more text than a telephone book!

Okay, so the disgraceful decline of Modern’s One True Deck is the first sign of Magic’s slow death. The second is all these alternate frames and card styles! Good lord, why does today’s generation need to be entertained by thirty different arts for a single card? When I started playing Magic at Gen Con in ‘82, our cards were blank rectangles with some words on them that we rubbed aggressively against the sidewalk we played on! They were ugly as hell, but we appreciated that we got to play the greatest game ever invented!

Like, come on, what is this?

What is even the POINT?! Is the greatest game in the history of the world not good enough for you anymore? Now you need to play a little minigame of “spot the difference” in the middle of your match just to keep yourself from getting bored? Good Lord, this planet is screwed once you clowns take over.

Third, Wizards just pushed out around 800 new cards that are meaningless.

I read these, and I have no clue what they’re supposed to do. Now I can’t play Magic without having a guidebook for each individual card explaining what it does? Who are these even for? Who wants to read a book before they can play a card? Did Wizards learn NOTHING from Questing Beast?!

Also, why does Davriel look like that? Davriel wears a mask; that is LITERALLY (in the LITERAL sense, not the METAPHORICAL sense like these morons who throw words around willy-nilly say) his defining physical characteristic. Not only is he not wearing his cool-guy mask, but we find out he looks like your sketchy uncle who is admittedly kind of good-looking, but runs a “family business” that your parents whisper about but assure you is nothing to worry about despite that black car with blacked-out windows that followed you home from school two days ago.

Look at the art of the extremely powerful lore-wise, but extremely unplayable game-wise Davriel Cane below:

Great. Now tell me that the middle-aged accountant further up is a good representation of the badass depicted here. Actually, DON’T tell me that because if you did you’d be LYING.

BUT I DIGRESS.

Fourth, why is Modern a rotating format now? When Modern was passed down to us on stone tablets atop Mount Sinai back before the Flood, we were promised THOU FORMAT SHALT NEVER CHANGE EXCEPT MAYBE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE BY A LITTLE BIT. I’ve played Modern Jund for 47 of my 64 years, and aside from adding a SINGLE Wooded Foothills to my deck when Khans came out back in 2004, I have not changed a card! I’ve been losing to Tron for 47 years and I LIKE IT! (#StepOnMeKarnfather) But now Grixis is seeing more play than Jund? Grixis? Really?

Anyways, Modern now rotates every year along with that format that has no players. I think it’s called Eldraine Block Constructed or something. When I started in Modern, I played against Affinity, Merfolk, Zoo, Grixis Control (LOL!!!), Tron, UR Twin, and Burn. All these decks are GONE! The youths of today will never get to experience the feeling of casting Stony Silence against Affinity, and then losing to Ghirapur Aether Grid. They’ll never understand the thrill of hearing a UR Twin player ask, “You’re tapped out?” They’ll never get to die from 9 life to “End step, Bolt. Untap, Bolt - Snap - Bolt.” They’ll never understand the FEARS and SCARS that lived in our hearts that caused WotC to put Wild Nacatl and Bitterblossom on the banned list.

Like affordable college and a living wage, Modern as we knew it is gone forever.

Look, Magic’s been going downhill since they got rid of mana burn back in the 50’s, but these last couple of years have been the real proof in the pudding. They banned more cards in the last five years than they printed when I started playing in ’79. Think about it this way: every year, Oreos releases around four thousand new flavors, which is way more than the number of new Magic cards. But when was the last time you heard about Oreos having to ban a flavor because they messed up so bad? EXACTLY THEY DON’T! That’s why Oreos are an American dietary staple that we can feed to babies before they even have teeth (pair well with whiskey), and Magic: the Gathering cards can’t be eaten *at all* until you turn 13!!!

Another example: this latest set! Dragons – sure. Dungeons – whatever. Flumphs – WHAT THE **** IS A FLUMPH?! And WORSE, why is a COMPANY trying to get me to role-play in my card games? Role-playing is something PRIVATE between two consenting adults, and while it can be fun, that’s not what I’m looking for when I go into a cramped, poorly-lit card shop basement.

Here’s my last point for now, since I know you young’uns have trouble reading anything longer than “u up?”

Companions.

I had a companion, and let me tell you, it was NOT worth it. Divorce is expensive, and even before that, marriage was mostly just farting a lot in the same bed.

I frickin’ hate that I have to play Lurrus in every deck. I am much more of a dog guy than a cat guy. “But Howard, it’s a Cat Nightmare, isn’t that better?” No, you moron, that’s just putting lipstick on a pig!!!

Anyways I am done! Being on the internet and all, I’m sure this will be read by MILLIONS, so please LIKE, SHARE, AND SUBSCRIBE FOR MORE TIK-TOKS LIKE THIS ONE!

(DEAR EDITOR, PLEASE FIX THE END HERE, MY LETTERS ARE ALL CAPITALIZED AND I AM NOT SURE WHY. I ONLY WANTED TO CAPITALIZE “LIKE,” “SHARE,” AND “SUBSCRIBE,” BUT NOT THE OTHER WORDS. THANK YOU. LOVE, HOWARD)

Ryan Normandin is a grinder from Boston who has lost at the Pro Tour, in GP & SCG Top 8's, and to 7-year-olds at FNM. Despite being described as "not funny" by his best friend and "the worst Magic player ever" by Twitch chat, he cheerfully decided to blend his lack of talents together to write funny articles about Magic.