Beyond the Norm: An Ode to Paper Magic

I show up to prerelease,

For paper is back!

I sit down and, shaking,

I open a pack.

The judge screams my name,

For the event hasn’t begun.

They tried to stop me,

But it was already done.

The sweet, sweet smell

Of cardboard crack

Flowing into my nostrils;

There was no turning back.

I tore open my kit

And you’d never believe,

I screamed with delight;

They asked me to leave.

I’d gotten my fix,

But I needed some more.

A 6:30 event?

I returned to the store.

I twitched as I waited

To open my packs.

The judge droned on

About allowing take-backs.

But finally the moment

Of pleasure was nigh!

A plastic explosion

And a cardboard high

A promo Kaldra Compleat?

I like what I see!

So many keywords

That filled me with glee.

Deck construction

Comes to an end.

I sleeve up my cards,

And try not to bend.

Pairings go up

On the Companion app.

Who is this goblin?

What a delightful chap!

My opponent’s name

Is Danny McHart,

But his Arena handle

Is I_Like_To_Fart.

“High Roll?”

I ask, holding some dice.

“Even odds,” he says,

His tone not so nice.

“Sure,” I reply,

And I move to release.

“No!” he protests.

“One die apiece!”

“Let me just roll one,

So we can start having fun.”

“But the odds will be different!

If you roll two versus one!”

“That’s not how math works,”

I say with a frown.

“It definitely is,”

He throws two dice down.

“Whatever,” I say,

“You’re going first?”

“I’ll take the play,”

He confirms, rather terse.

All around the room,

The flicking of cards.

Music to my ears,

My kind of bards.

I need to break through my opponent’s dam.

His creatures are huge, then he topdecks his Damn.

As he wipes my board, all I can say is, “Damn.”

And with that I knew, to a loss I’d been damned.

Forgetting our triggers

And messing up the stack.

We then tried to fix it,

We tried to go back.

When all we did

Was make things worse,

We screamed out, “JUDGE!”

Who uttered a curse.

They fixed the game state

And we thanked them a lot.

Magic is hard,

Is what I’ve been taught.

We reach the last round,

And I offer to split.

My opponent spits in my face,

And laughs for a bit.

“It’s really quite late,”

I say with a frown.

“Sucks to be you,

Don’t be a clown.”

We play, and I lose,

But I still win some packs.

I return home

For some midnight snacks.

I’ve missed paper Magic

And all of its charm.

The Spikey McSpikes

And the n00bs to farm.

That in-person tension,

That game-winning draw.

The line that you missed,

But all your friends saw.

Come and play Magic!

Return to the store.

Bring your Urza’s Sagas,

And Cookbooks and more!

Cascade into Rhinos!

Slam an Asmoranomardicadaistinaculdicar,

Uh-oh, I can’t rhyme that.

Mosklmdfkameoruisdfmkuldicar.

Ryan Normandin is a grinder from Boston who has lost at the Pro Tour, in GP & SCG Top 8's, and to 7-year-olds at FNM. Despite being described as "not funny" by his best friend and "the worst Magic player ever" by Twitch chat, he cheerfully decided to blend his lack of talents together to write funny articles about Magic.