Beyond the Norm: Crushing the GRN Prerelease

This weekend, you’ll have an opportunity to play with the newest set, Guilds of Ravnica, at the prerelease. Even though the set isn’t released until the following weekend, you’ll get a chance to complain about how badly the cards are still warping before anyone else. Well, besides the people who already got to play on MTG Arena. And the people who played on MTGO. And the people who played in the LRR Pre-Prerelease. In order to make the most of this increasingly misnamed opportunity, you’ll need to commit to one of the five guilds. Luckily, everything you need to do so is right here.

Boros

What to Wear: Something crisp. No wrinkles. If you dare to show up in a tshirt, you’re a true embarrassment to the Boros name.

What to Bring: Something with some heft that you can use to hit people with. A nightstick, a bludgeon, an unconscious person who you’ve previously hit with your bludgeon.

What to Say: Familiarize yourself with military ranks so that you may properly address everyone else who is a member of the most esteemed guild. Also perfect your pronunciation of “peasant scum” for all those ungrateful guildless that you’re supposed to protect or something.

How to Act: You are there to help enforce the word of the judge. Remember, even though this is a Regular REL event and everyone’s there to learn, you shouldn’t hesitate to interpret, “…and be more careful next time you shuffle your deck,” as “DQQQQQQ!!!!!!” and forcibly escort the offender from the premises.

How to Play: Turn your lands sideways. Put down cards from your hand. Turn those cards sideways. Do it again the next turn.

Izzet

What to Wear: Goggles, aluminum foil, fireproof cloak.

What to Bring: A Van der Graaf generator. After all, you never know when a photo op will present itself, and you must ensure that all your photos have the proper amount of lightning in the background.

What to Say: Before the prerelease, watch a large number of science fiction movies. Memorize key nonsensical phrases, and repeat them thoughtfully, intensely, or accusatorily at key moments. Alternatively, this table can help you to state sentences of the proper form; simply select one sentence fragment from each column. 

How to Act: Just remember – you’re always forgetting something. That something is probably burning a hole in your pocket, if it hasn’t already blown up your LGS.

How to Play: Eh, do whatever you want. Throw some cards down on the table, see what happens. Sometimes you’ll win, sometimes you’ll lose, and every once in a while, there’ll be a couple of survivors.

Dimir

What to Wear: This’ll depend on your store. You definitely want to scope the place out for a couple weeks in advance. Identify common trends in clothing that the customers wear. Purchase said clothing to ensure that you blend in. If anyone asks, you’ve been going to this store for years. Only opened last month? Fake news.

What to Bring: Nothing too crazy, since other players might notice the strange lumps under your clothes. You’ll have to stick to the basics: vial of poison, syringe, blindfolds, you get the idea.

What to Say: “Greetings, fellow gamers. I am excited to join you, as I often have in the past, for an exciting weekend of trading cards, losing to local preteen Jimmy Henderson, and opening pools containing in excess of three rare lands.”

How to Act: Not suspicious.

How to Play: You want to gain their trust. Play blue and black, the most trustworthy colors. Counter their spells, kill their threats, and draw cards. It’s the best way to build a relationship in Magic.

Golgari

What to Wear: Roll around in some dirt and moss; after that, all clothes look pretty much the same.

What to Bring: A dead plant. No better companion to play your cards alongside.

What to Say: Remember that life and death are but a natural cycle. When you finish your lunch, toss the remains on the floor; someone else will surely partake. Trash cans are an artificial abhorrence; free their prisoners into the world so that nature might find use for them.

How to Act: If you’ve gotten this far covered in dirt and emptying trash cans all over the place, I think you’re already doing a pretty good job.

How to Play: Your deck should consist of 17 lands and 23 Golgari Findbrokers. If you don’t have anything in your graveyard when you play it, I’m sure you can find something on the floor to sell to your opponent instead.

Selesnya

What to Wear: To really feel the flow of energy and wind through the sacred community of the LGS, you’ll want to wear nothing but a single loose-fitting robe. This will allow you to make the most of your LGS’s environment: autumn sunlight soaking into your skin, delicate breezes dancing through your limbs, and the reeducation of nonbelievers just out of sight.

What to Bring: If you have the Song, an open mind, and an open robe, there’s nothing more that you need.

What to Say: Say? Actually, you’ll be singing. Sing in tune with the Song that runs through all of us, each note of Mat’Selesnya flowing through your voice and into your opponent’s earholes.

How to Act: You are a living example of the Conclave, naught but a part of a greater whole. Embrace your enemies with love, invite them into the Selesnya’s community, and, if they refuse, have the Quiet-men silence their heresy.

How to Play: Make lots of creatures. Lots and lots of creatures. The more creatures we have, the happier we are. The more we are together, the more we are whole. Eventually, your opponent will surrender as they see the display of love, compassion, and fear that binds our beautiful guild together.

With this article under your belt, you’re ready to prerelease! Which guild will you be choosing this weekend?

Ryan Normandin is a grinder from Boston who has lost at the Pro Tour, in GP & SCG Top 8's, and to 7-year-olds at FNM. Despite being described as "not funny" by his best friend and "the worst Magic player ever" by Twitch chat, he cheerfully decided to blend his lack of talents together to write funny articles about Magic.