Beyond the Norm: Give me Money

A fundamental principle of American society is compensating people fairly for their labor. The Market is the ultimate arbiter of what is and isn’t fair, and The Market has spoken clearly. The Market smiles upon those who concuss themselves for our entertainment, whereas whenever The Market sees a teacher, The Market kicks them into oncoming traffic and thanks them for “their passion.”

Recently, The Market has shown me that there is a high demand among the common rabble of the Magic-playing community for quick and easy ways to “git gud.” And you know the saying: “Where there’s smoke demand, there’s fire someone to exploit it.” I am excited to announce that today, that someone is me!

Pictured: Me!

First, let me explain why I am qualified to take YOU from zero to FNM hero for the cheap, cheap price of $1-$100 a month, depending on your tier of support. I have been playing Magic for fifteen years, and in that time, I have:

• Top 8’ed Seventy-Four FNM’s (yes, some of them did have more than eight players)
• Top 16’ed Three PPTQ’s
• Top 16’ed Two PTQ’s
• Top 64’ed Four MCQ’s
• Top 8’ed One PTQ (but this is a different PTQ than the other PTQ; the P’s stand for different things. This kind of mastery of acronyms is the kind of thing you can only learn from a seasoned master like myself.)
• Top 8’ed One WPNQ
• My greatest accomplishment of all: I Top 8’ed an SCG Open

I have done it with a wide variety of decks, demonstrating a remarkable ability to win with anything. Of course, I don’t need to tell you that I’m most famous as an absolute master of the niche but burgeoning Naya Control archetype. Thousands of you watched my feature match at my SCG Top 8, where you saw me get demolished when I was paired against a pesky control deck that played counterspells, Cancel variant after Cancel variant tearing apart my Pelakka Wurms. I was crestfallen, but the response was enormous. Just a couple of the messages I received afterward are below:

As you can see, there was a huge demand for me to disseminate my wisdom to the masses. I’ll be honest; I was hesitant at first. I just wasn’t sure whether I had the level of success necessary to ask for money from people. Who would want to pay me when they could get totally free content from legendary pro players like LSV on the internet?

Apparently, a lot of people.

I quickly discovered that a “sideboard guide” was so much more than which cards to swap after Game 1 of a match. A sideboard guide was the secret to success. It was the literal only thing stopping players who make more misplays than correct plays from Top 8’ing Pro Tours Mythic Championships Players Tours. A sideboard guide from someone who claimed to know what they were doing would turn you into someone who claimed to know what they were doing. I’m not selling a sideboard guide – I’m selling a dream, an idea, 100% pure blue sky meth that Walter White would be proud of.

With all of that said, you now have the opportunity to purchase from me something that will allow you to go from playing like someone who has only touched Magic cards once or twice to someone who wears an esports jersey. I’m excited to introduce you to my Patreon tiers!

Llanowar Elf - $1 a month – You get access to my discord! You have basically bought access to the cool kids’ table in the cafeteria. Except instead of a bunch of cool kids, it’s a bunch of other losers who have also bought access to the cool kids’ table in the cafeteria. But don’t worry; I will occasionally grace you with a response to a question, and I’ll even post which decklist I plan on playing the night before I play it! Other than that, it will be a lonely, lonely place with far too many channels and far too few active members.

Tarmogoyf - $5 a month – You get access to my coveted SIDEBOARD GUIDES!!!!! This is the golden ticket, my friends. For the low, low price of a teacher’s annual salary, you can get a hastily compiled list of cards that I would swap after Game 1. Why are you confused? Is it because it says I’m taking out more cards than I’m bringing in? Perhaps I’m bringing in cards that aren’t even in my sideboard? Or maybe I’ve somehow neglected to include one of the top-tier decks? Don’t worry; everyone makes mistakes, and if you pop into my discord to let me know, I’ll be sure to update it after the tournament!

Oko, Thief of Crowns - $10 – Wow, you are dedicated to becoming the best player in the room. Once you snort up my sideboard guides, you’ll already be Top 8 material, but this tier grants you access to my reviewing one of your decklists each week! Will I tell you it’s bad with little commentary and refer you to the decklist I posted in my discord? Probably! But so cool to be able to even talk with me. Additionally, you’ll get an hour of coaching every week! Don’t worry, I promise it’s not awkward at all. MTGO always functions like a charm, and that combined with my incredibly solid internet connection, unpredictable streaming schedule, and fear of talking with you plebians beings is a recipe for success!

Wicked Wolf - $20 – Once a month, I will mail you a signed Pelakka Wurm!! Some people say Pelakka couldn't be my "brand identity" but they probably told the Wurm that too and look how far it got!

Nissa, Who Shakes the World - $50 – The coolest, hippest Pelakka Charlie merch around! I will send you signed sideboard guides every week. You’ll also get my signature Pelakka Charlie esports jersey! Message me so I can include your twitter handle on the back.

Carnage Tyrant - $75 – You are really into me, eh? That’s cool, I dig it. In addition to all the incredible benefits listed in the lower tiers, you will also receive my bathwater in an airtight jar every month! If you bathe in it or drink it, you are almost certain (~5%) to play at my level. (Disclaimer: We are not responsible for what you do with the bathwater. Drinking bathwater could lead to… things. By purchasing this bathwater, you release me from all liability from anything that happens from anything you choose to do with the bathwater.)

Pelakka Wurm - $100 – Feet pics <3

So head on over to my Patreon and throw me some of that hard-earned capital so that I can give you some stuff that totally has equal value!

Ryan Normandin (@RyanNormandin) is a grinder from Boston who has lost at the Pro Tour, in GP & SCG Top 8's, and to 7-year-olds at FNM. Despite being described as "not funny" by his best friend and "the worst Magic player ever" by Twitch chat, he cheerfully decided to blend his lack of talents together to write funny articles about Magic.