Beyond the Norm: Introducing The Players’ Academy

Hey there, folks! My name is Joe Supreme. I own a car dealership off Route 9, you know the one: great deals, super successful (the most successful), VERY trustworthy. With a non-threatening, white name like Joe, how could you not trust me?

We've got deals this big! 

It’s great to hear that you’ve decided to trust me because, boy, do I have a killer deal for you! You see, I’ve been following all the latest developments with Judge Academy, and boy, is that shaping up to be a great success! Then, it occurred to me: Joe, I said, why let the judges have all the fun? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE judges! Nobody loves judges more than me. I’ve been one of the biggest supporters of judges. Judges love me!

But here’s the thing: I also love players. I’m actually a player myself! I’m quite good too, probably the one of the best. If you haven’t heard of me, it’s because I haven’t played in many, many years, but man, was I good. I’ve still got it too; I took down a tournament just last weekend at my local store. Sure, it was just my local store, but, believe me, my local store is super competitive, one of the most competitive. The players there are some of the best, so my winning that tournament was on the same level as winning a GP. Actually, probably closer to winning a PT, but whatever, that’s okay.

Players' Academy makes this place look like a joke! 

So there I was, winning, when I thought, Joe, what about players who want to improve? What about players who want to get as good as you? Well, almost as good as me, because I’m the best. Nobody has done as much winning as I have. But anyways, everyone was saying Joe, you’re right; you should do something to help players. Many people were telling me this, everywhere I went, they were coming up to me, telling me how much they love my work, love my cars, love my winning, and said, Joe, have you heard of the Judge Academy? Have you thought about something for players? And I said, look, I’m really quite smart. There’s nobody better to come up with a Players Academy than me. My IQ is exceptional, one of the highest, it’s why I so good at talk and write.

So I reached out to Wizards of the Coast, and we’d done business before, lots of business, very good business, made lots of money, and I said, have you thought about doing a Players Academy? And they looked at me and said, Joe, that’s brilliant. We want you to run it. And of course, I hemmed and hawed, because it was a negotiation, it’s always a negotiation, and they wanted me to say yes and I wanted to say yes, but the details had to be right. And so I worked on it and my people worked on it, and let me tell you, my people are great, believe me. I have fantastic people, the best people, everyone will tell you. And we put together a proposal that is really very good, probably perfect, I don’t think anyone could have done a better job.

You could have this much cash if you didn't do things for free dummy! 

So first, here’s the thing: nothing in life is free, right? I know, I know, lots of people in the Magic community run around promising free sideboard guides and free merchandise and free advice, but those people are not very smart. You can’t just give stuff out for free. That’s why they’re not very successful, and I’m very successful, because I don’t do free. I do fair, but not free. So my new Players’ Academy is no different. If you want to be the best, if you want to play against the best, if you want to have the best cards and the best tournaments and you want to win, you’re going to have to pay. So from now, there is a fee, every year, just at the beginning of the year, $100, to be allowed to walk into your LGS. If you want to play at FNM, if you want to buy cards, if you want to, I don’t know, open boosters, you have to have paid the fee. Otherwise, no deal! You can’t go in.

Right off the bat, when I tell people this, they love it. They say, Joe, this is fantastic. A lot of times, at local game stores, you get some people who are maybe not very nice people. People who aren’t good for business. People who maybe aren’t from your town, who you haven’t seen around before, who maybe scare the kids. Maybe they just don’t smell very good, or they’re just not very good at Magic, or maybe they don’t spend very much money at your store. These aren’t people we want in our stores, right? We want people who spend money. So my $100 tax on players is, right off the bat, going to get rid of those people. You’ll all be able to have a better experience at your local game store, a much better experience, thanks to me.

The next question I usually get is, well, Joe, where is this money going? And I’m going to talk about that, I will, I promise, believe me, right after I finish going through the rest of the details of Players’ Academy. So far, this $100 fee gives you access to all kinds of great learning and experiences at your local game store, great experiences, really fantastic. Lots of great game stores out there, maybe some not so great ones too, but mostly really great ones. But what about players who say, look, my game store is great, but I need some bigger challenges. Same thing happened to me, you know? I kept on winning, and eventually, people said, Joe, you’re just too good! You need to find some better people, find the best people, so you can compete.

So for the low, low price of a $200 annual fee, you’re able to log onto the website of Channelfireball.com to sign up for their GP’s. Let me just say: ChannelFireball, great company, really fantastic company, low, low prices, and boy do they have some great players. They asked me to write for them, you know, but I turned them down, too busy, making too much money, just wasn’t quite worth it for me, but still, great company. So if you pay the Tier 2 fee, which is $200 remember, then you can go on and pay the $60 or $70 or $100, whatever it is, per GP, that they’re charging these days for GP’s. So this $200 fee really unlocks a whole new bunch of really great opportunities, opportunities that a lot of people love, everybody loves, actually, very popular opportunities.

I am known as an alphabet connoisseur.

Finally, if you maybe do well at a GP, or maybe an MCQ or a PTQ or a MCPTQ or a PPMCTQ, lots of acronyms, so many acronyms, some of the best, actually. You know, I actually worked on a lot of these acronyms because I have a lot of the best acronyms, and people love them, folks, they love them, believe me. So if you do well at one of these tournaments, you win some money, you go home happy, everybody wins. But if you’re in our $400 Tier 3 payment level—the best level folks, by far the best—you win something really fantastic along with your prize money. You get to attend the Mythical Players’ Pro Tour, folks, the MPPT, the best tournament, the best acronym, the best of the best. This is where the winning happens folks, where the best players play, it’s where I’ve been for years and years, crushing the competition until I retired to work on the Players’ Academy. A really fantastic opportunity, but only if you’re in our Tier 3 of players! And you want to be in that Tier 3 because that’s where the best players are.

So all of this is really great, really fantastic, very popular, it’s been polling incredibly well, let me tell you, but there’s actually more. No matter what tier you are in, you will receive a free promo! That’s right folks, a free promo, no additional cost. If you’re Tier 1, you’re going to get these really exciting promo booster packs folks. You can really exciting cards inside, some of the best cards, some of the most sought-after cards. You can get lands, you can get cards with some different frames, you can even get some non-English cards, as I understand, people really want these, they’re sold out everywhere. That’s all free, just for being in Tier 1, if you do well in the tournaments that Tier 1 gives you access to.

If you’re a Tier 2 player, you get some really great stuff folks, really great stuff. You’ll get a promo card like a Lighting Bowl, a really great Lighting Bowl, either a shiny Lighting Bowl or one that’s not shiny, whichever one you want, folks. People love the Lighting Bowls, they’re so bright, so round, they’re really fantastic, you’ll love them. Or if you go to some other tournaments, you’ll get a Crypt Command, folks, one of the best spells, really fantastic spell. It’s so powerful, so flexible, everybody wants them. And if you’re in Tier 3, when you attend the Players’ Mythic Tour, the one for Pros, Pros like me, the best pros, you’ll receive money. You just get money for showing up, folks, it’s a real treat. For working so hard, winning so much, Wizards will give you some money. Finally, the last thing, or almost the last thing, I have several more things actually, is that no matter which Tier you’re in, you’ll get some really fantastic online training materials. Great stuff folks, I’ve looked at it myself. Actually, I designed a lot of it, most of, at least some of it, and it came out really well, everybody is saying so. Whether you’re Tier 1 or Tier 2 or Tier 3, you’re going to get some really great materials to make yourself into a better player.

The fate of your fees.

Now a lot of people are asking where these fees are going, and the truth is, they’re going straight to me, folks, straight to me. Now I’m not pocketing them, trust me, because I’m very successful already, and I’ve done a lot of great work, I have a lot of great businesses, some of the best, that make me a lot of money. I’m very wealthy, and I’m very smart. And once I get these fees, I’m going to give them to my people, the people who are working so hard to run this organization, some of the best people. Because they should get paid for all their hard work, shouldn’t they folks? Shouldn’t they? Of course they should. Without these people, the organization wouldn’t exist. Now some people asked, Joe, isn’t that circular? Haven’t you just created an organization to take money from people to pay people in that organization without providing any value? And I say, look, folks, so many mistakes in that thinking, so dumb, so stupid. First of all, it’s much more like a triangle than a circle. In fact, it’s even better than a triangle folks, it’s a 3D triangle, at least, maybe even a 4D triangle, who knows, nobody knows for sure. Second, all businesses have to make money, all businesses have to pay their employees, I didn’t invent that, that’s just fair. I invented a lot of stuff, just not that in particular. That one’s been around a long time, longer than me, but I’m still very quick for my age, very fit, very fit for any age in fact. Lots of people are saying that I’m as fit as a thirty-year-old, lots of people are saying that, believe me, and I think maybe they’re right.

Don't worry about our books!!

Finally, a lot of people asked why I didn’t register as a non-profit. Look, I’ve been doing this a long time, longer than most, longer than pretty much everyone. And I know that there’s lots of reasons to register as a for-profit instead of a non-profit, so many reasons, many, many reasons. And I think my favorite reason, the most important reason is that there’s already lots of great non-profits out there. There’s the Joe Supreme Foundation, the Joe Supreme College, and a couple of other small ones, much smaller ones, like the Red Cross. And look, if I had to register as a non-profit, that would be like stealing, I’d be taking money straight out of the pockets of really great organizations like the Red Cross and all the really fantastic Joe Supreme ones, and I just can’t do that. I know that that means that all of you don’t get access to our financials, but I promise it’s fine, believe me, just trust me folks. I would show you my financials, I would, I will actually, but right now our lawyers are doing a lot of work on them, a lot of really great lawyers, and I just can’t show them to you while our lawyers are doing that. But just believe me, folks, you’re in great hands, the best hands, your money is safe with me.

 Ryan Normandin is a grinder from Boston who has lost at the Pro Tour, in GP & SCG Top 8's, and to 7-year-olds at FNM. Despite being described as "not funny" by his best friend and "the worst Magic player ever" by Twitch chat, he cheerfully decided to blend his lack of talents together to write funny articles about Magic.