Beyond the Norm: Leaked Summaries of MTG Netflix Series – Part 2
(The first three leaked synopses can be found here.)
Since San Diego Comic Con, the fervor surrounding the animated MTG Netflix series has only increased. After stumbling upon the leaked summaries of the first three episodes, I’ve been on the lookout for subsequent leaks. Luckily, if you assemble the Modern Horizons art cards in just the right way, you can actually spell out a website containing even more leaked documents! I’ve gone through the trouble of deciphering the code for all of you.
Episode 4: Mr. Roboto
The episode begins right after the group high-five from Episode 3. Jace, Chandra, and Nissa strike the poses that their inevitable action figures will be sold in.
“Where to next, Captain Jace?” asks Chandra. “We’re on a roll here, we shouldn’t stop recruiting people to help us fight agains the new Phyrexian threat! I, for one, am on fire!”
Chandra cackles and elbows Nissa, who blushes.
“Follow me, gang!” Jace says, and with a flourish of his blue cloak, which comes up a little bit in the breeze to ‘accidentally’ flash his abs, they planeswalk away.
They arrive in the swampy outskirts of a forest, where a bunch of mechs are walking around digging and stuff. One comparatively smaller mech, only 7 feet tall, sits on a throne with a crown.
“Yo, Karndawg, is that you?” Jace cries up to the giant throne.
A fun little infographic appears near Karn. It reads:
- Made of silver so he’s allowed to travel through time, even though he hasn’t really done that. Only Sarkhan, not made of silver, and not allowed to travel through time, has done that.
- Is an artificial creature (see: Golem) and therefore cannot hold a spark. Nonetheless, holds a spark and is a planeswalker.
- Superman is to Kryptonite as Karn is to pants.
“How dare you, heathen!” Karn shouts back. “I am Karn, the Great Creator! How dare you address me so vulgarly!”
“Why aren’t you wearing pants?” shouts Nissa.
“Pants weaken my powers! I prefer to remain Liberated! Feel my Mycosynth blessing!” Karn throws some sparkly confetti into the air. Everything it touches turns to stone.
“Isn’t Mycosynth from Phyrexian Oil?” Jace shouts.
“SHHHHHHH!” Karn yells back. “I’ve domesticated some Mycosynth, it’s a wonderful houseplant.”
“Whatcha doing with all these Iron Men, Karnfather?” Jace asks.
“I’m digging up a bomb!” Karn replies excitedly.
Chandra gets very excited, as she finally hears something she is interested in.
“Is it a big one?!?! I hope it's a big one!” she shouts.
“Why’s there a bomb in the ground?” Jace asks.
“You see,” Karn begins as mystical, old-timey music begins to play. We get a close-up on Karn’s non-expressive robot face to see all the emotion that it doesn’t express. “Eons ago, my Papa Urza blew up the entire world, sending it into an ice age and also somehow creating a magical interplanar shield because Papa asked the bomb to. But this was a magical bomb, so it’s actually still around and was just buried here after Papa blew it up. I’m gonna get it now to bring to Phyrexia and bomb them again!”
“But I thought we couldn’t carry things between planes?” Chandra asks.
“SHHHHH!” Jace shushes loudly. “The writers will come up with something, give them time!”
“I don’t like nukes,” Nissa said, crossing her arms. “I’m very anti-nukes.”
“It’s not a nuke,” His Holiness the Karnfather replies. “There’s no radiation. I mean, we have no way of telling, but I’m pretty sure there isn’t any.”
“Dope!” Jace shouts back. “Well my robo-man, when you finish up, we’re also going to New Phyrexia to fight them. Wanna carpool?”
“Sure,” the Mycosynth One replies. “But I’m just gonna go in, bomb them, and get out. Not much for you guys to do.”
“That’s okay!” Jace replies. “Being useless is my greatest superpower!”
Episode 5: Back to the Future
Jace, Chandra, and Nissa hop aboard the Weatherlight, a giant airship, to take them across the land.
“Who are we picking up next?” Nissa asks.
“Do you remember how I used to be super powerful?” Jace asks. “I used to be so powerful that they banned me in some formats and players always dreaded when a new version of me was printed?”
“Yeah!” Chandra replies. “Your cards were regularly hitting $100 in Standard!”
As Chandra says “one hundred dollars,” a loud voice shouts over her, “Twenty-five booster packs!” There is then rapid-fire flashing, subliminal messaging reading:
The secondary market does not exist. We don’t know what it is. Never heard of it. Also, we can’t talk about the Reserved List, nor can we talk about why we can’t talk about the Reserved List. Love, Wizards of the Coast
“Well,” Jace continues, “we’re picking up the newest razzle-dazzle planeswalker that has a bunch of format-warping cards!”
They land and exit the skyship. A man is reclining on a hammock, drinking a Slurpee.
“You guys are late!” the man says. He stands. “I, on the other hand, was—” he puts on sunglasses. “—right on time.”
[Cue laugh track.]
An infographic appears.
- Right on schedule! Sorry I’m late! Let’s slow things down! You’ll thank me later! I spend all my time making punny catchphrases because if I didn’t, my ability to literally control time would make me way too powerful to be a main character.
- Prankster, especially in midst of Phyrexian invasions
- Phased out his entire home continent in a bubble cuz he didn’t know what the f*** he was doing. Shrugged and kept on punning.
“Wow! What a tool!” Chandra whispers loudly into Jace’s ear.
“I know,” Jace replies wistfully. “I’m so jealous.”
“Anyone have food?” Teferi asks. “I haven’t eaten since tomorrow! SORRY I’M LATE!”
[Cue laugh track.]
“Will you be joining us to battle the Phyrexians?” Jace asks.
“Check your pocket,” Teferi says, stifling a chuckle.
Jace goes through the many, many, many pockets of his cloak, tossing aside can openers, 5 lb barbells, and a magazine called “Cloaks Weekly” until he comes across a small note. He unfolds it and holds it up for all to see. It reads: YES.
“I put that in your pocket just now!” Teferi cries. “Well, last week, but like, I just did it now! Time travel, amiright?! RIGHT ON SCHEDULE!”
“Is that everyone, Jace? Is there anyone else we need to pick up?” Nissa asks.
“What about Liliana?” Chandra asks. “Isn’t she your giiiirlfrieeeeeend?”
Jace pulls up his hood and broods.
“No,” he announces. “We’re not talking anymore.”
“Oh no!” Chandra cries. “I was shipping you guys!”
“I hate her!” Jace shouts, tears running down his face. “She’s a poopyhead! But I also don’t care at all and it doesn’t bother me I’ve moved on I’m so mature! I actually have a new girlfriend now! She… she’s just from Ravnica, that’s why you guys haven’t met her.”
Nissa and Chandra exchange looks and nod sympathetically. The old “girlfriend from Ravnica,” eh?
“Don’t worry,” Teferi interjects. “You and Lili got back together a couple years from now! Oops! I need to get back to the future!”
“Great film, great film, a real classic,” Teferi comments.
The episode ends with the four Gatewatchers walking into the sunset. Teferi trips Jace. [laugh track]
Credits roll, followed by sponsorships.
THIS EPISODE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY AMAZON, YOUR FAVORITE HOME FOR MAGIC THE GATHERING PRODUCTS, BECAUSE WE ARE THE ONLY RETAILER LEFT! (JEFF BEZOS CACKLES MANIACALLY)
Ryan Normandin is a grinder from Boston who has lost at the Pro Tour, in GP & SCG Top 8's, and to 7-year-olds at FNM. Despite being described as "not funny" by his best friend and "the worst Magic player ever" by Twitch chat, he cheerfully decided to blend his lack of talents together to write funny articles about Magic.
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