Beyond the Norm: Rushing the Guilds Part I

Ryan Normandin
September 14, 2018
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Coming onto the Ravnican campus for the first time can be overwhelming. The city is huge and urban, gentrification is in full swing, and our president hates his job and doesn’t really show up for work. But perhaps the most overwhelming part of all this is also the most exciting: Guild Rush! Every fall, the ten guilds of Ravnica try to recruit new pledges. In an effort to make this process a little bit easier, each of the guilds has returned a questionnaire. Hopefully you’ll find this information helpful and will be able to choose the guild that’s the best fit for you!

 

Dimir

Average GPA: 3.4

Most Popular Major: Whatever our fellow students are into! Which would probably be… uh… psychology? Tide Pods?

Personality/Fitting In: We care more about how you fit in with everybody else.

Social Life: Why are you asking so many questions?

Associated Charity: Is this questionnaire some kind of trap?

Responsibilities: Travel. No familial contact. Memorizing drop points. And cleaning the bathroom. We know it sucks, but everyone’s gotta take a turn.

Housing: Where we live is none of your business. Just don’t check that spare bedroom you renovated last week. You know, the one with the red curtains.

What do you do for fun: Recognize when a “questionnaire” is actually an attempt at infiltration, and then fill it out with misleading answers.

Notable Alumni: Most world leaders.

Guild Song: “Every Breath You Take”

Dining Plan: How about before we answer any more questions, you just give us a little bit of info about yourself? Please send back your name, date of birth, current address, and Social Security Number. If you want to spit into the attached petri dish, that’d be cool too.

Word on the Street:

“I heard that instead of going to class, they just figure out how to hack the system and give themselves some average grades. Like, not even A’s! Apparently that’d be too suspicious. One of my Dimir friends told me that. I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to talk about it though. I’ve actually gotta get home. I’m not feeling so well. Probably something I ate…” (this source died two hours after this quote was taken)

“Dude, the Dimir rule everything. They’ve infiltrated all the world’s governments and banks, you know, all those people with real powerful. It’s, like, a New World Order that they’re after, but the Dimir are the shadow government at the top pulling all the strings. I’ve gotta go though, I’m on my way to a doctor to see about this rash I came down with after agreeing to talk with you.” (this source died one day after this quote was taken)

“The Dim-Ear? Am I saying that right? Oh, Dimir? Never heard of that one. Have a good day.” (this source is still living)

 

 

Selesnya

Average GPA: 3.0

Most Popular Major: We’ve found it tough to actually complete a major with all the missionary trips we go on.

Personality/Fit In: Anyone can fit into our guild, that’s what’s so great about it! We’re super open and accepting. You just have to be open to the brainwashing, everything falls into place after that.

Social Life: Communal.

Associated Charity: We’re a religious nonprofit, so we’re tax-exempt. Besides donating to multiple charities, we love creating natural spaces for all Ravnicans to enjoy. We also keep our Quietmen paid so that they can continue to track down those poor lost sheep who drift from the Selesnya, bring them back, and make sure they don’t leave again.

Responsibilities: Same as everyone else! That actually goes for a lot of things.

Housing: When you’re as close to nature as we are, a roof isn’t something you’ll be wanting. Just like independence. Things like that just get in the way of becoming one with the Song.

What do you do for fun: Dance, sing, frolic, shun nonbelievers.

Notable Alumni: Oh, did we give you the impression that people leave?

Guild Song:Barney – I Love You”

Dining Plan: Kool-Aid

Word on the Street:

“I went on a date with a Selesnya girl once. It was super confusing; on the second date, some really old dude showed up all excited to go out with me, claiming that he was the same person I’d gone out with the night before. ‘We are all Selesnya,’ he said, then he offered me some Kool-Aid. Speaking of which, are you interested in this Kool-Aid?”

 

Izzet

Average GPA: 4.2

Most Popular Major: Engineering, though a significant number of our members don’t graduate due to… unforeseen laboratory events. Usually involving fire.

Personality/Fit In: Do you like taking stuff apart? Do you then like lighting it on fire and putting it back together in a different way than you found it? Do you look at a grandfather clock and think, “Wow, that would be so much cooler if it had a couple of aether-driven, mizzium-based fluxometers installed!” If so, you’re not thinking big enough, but it’s a good start.

Social Life: You’ll meet, like, two labmates. It’s great, you all become family! Though most families don’t have such a high rate of turnover.

Associated Charity: We prefer to donate useful equipment instead of cash to charities, but they’ve stopped because of “unpredictable outcomes,” “instability,” and “too many casualties.” Crazy, right? It’d be like breaking up with someone because they just have too many fantastic qualities.

Responsibilities: The best way to learn is through failure, so you should be making stuff and breaking stuff in a 1:1 ratio at best.

Housing: Everyone gets a free pillow to stick underneath their desk!

What do you do for fun: Were you not paying attention when reading our responsibilities?

Notable Alumni: Huh… actually, I don’t think any of our alumni have lived long enough to become notable…

Guild Song: “She Blinded Me with Science”

Dining Plan: Soylent.

Word on the Street:

“They’re crazy. All of them. I hired one to install my new TV, and when I got home, my house was a rocket and my dog had x-ray vision. Still have no idea what happened to the TV.”

 

Golgari

Average GPA: 3.2

Most Popular Major: Agriculture

Personality/Fit In: People who are cool with their pet fungus dying because they can recycle it into a fungus zombie. Of course, you don’t have to join us now, but nearly everyone joins us eventually.

Social Life: We have a thriving social scene. I have so many friends! Most of them even stayed my friend after they died and got recycled and upgraded with leaves.

Associated Charity: Rot Farm Aid is the biggest one. In this economic climate, our rot-farmers are getting hit hard. Those garbage Azorius don’t care at all about the common man.

Responsibilities: For crying out loud, learn the difference between “waste,” “recycling,” and “compost.” It’s really not that hard. And then tell everyone else what it is so we can stop wasting time pulling all the food-covered plastics out of recycling.

Housing: If you like dark, damp, and cool, you’ll love our housing units. Basically, we *love* mold.

What do you do for fun: Plant trees in the desiccated remains of old, dead plants.

Notable Alumni: Al Gore

Guild Song: “The Circle of Life”

Dining Plan: Food and waste aren’t all that different in the Golgari. It’s kind of freeing, actually.

Word on the Street:

“The Golgari are super weird, man. Not in a malevolent way, they just can’t help it. When my best friend died, a Golgari buddy of mine gave me a tomato to try to cheer me up. That’s kind of weird, but whatever, I said thank you. After I took a bite, my friend is all, ‘Can you taste him?’ Weird thing to ask right? So I ask him what he means. And he’s all, ‘I grew the tomato in your friend’s grave.’ Then he leaned real close and was like, ‘Don’t worry; it’s not cannibalism, it’s recycling. And besides, he’s a tomato now.’”

 

Boros

Average GPA: 3.0

Most Popular Major: History

Personality/Fit In: Were you that one kid in high school who treated a game of kickball in physical education like it was life or death? Did you refuse to take any positions during a debate that you didn’t personally believe in? If you were a high-school try-hard in everything except academics, you might be just what the Boros is looking for!

Social Life: Between rationalizing wars and slaughtering anyone who threatens the peace, there’s not much time for socialization.  

Associated Charity: There is no greater purpose than peace. We don’t donate to charities because we need every penny we can get to protect Ravnica.

Responsibilities: Be really, really good at pointing. If you can do that, the fanatical zealotry of our soldiers will do the rest! Stuff that we point at doesn’t generally stay standing for much longer.

Housing: Remember sleepaway camp? Bunks with a bunch of your closest friends? Staying up until two in the morning and chatting? Well, if you keep the bunks, get rid of all the things you liked, and add a curfew and a prompt wakeup in the morning, that’s Boros housing!

What do you do for fun: If you have time for fun, you should feel ashamed of yourself; you’re obviously not devoted enough. Any time not at war, training, sleeping, or eating should probably be spent drinking.

Notable Alumni: The United States

Guild Song: Ravnica National Anthem

Dining Plan: Rations.

Word on the Street:

“I swear the Boros start wars just so that they can fight them and then tell people that they helped to create peace after they’ve won.”

 ...

And those are the first five guilds you can look forward to joining when you arrive on campus! Check back before Ravnica Allegiance to learn about the remaining five!

 

Ryan Normandin is a grinder from Boston who has lost at the Pro Tour, in GP & SCG Top 8's, and to 7-year-olds at FNM. Despite being described as "not funny" by his best friend and "the worst Magic player ever" by Twitch chat, he cheerfully decided to blend his lack of talents together to write funny articles about Magic. Make fun of him online through Twitter (@RyanNormandin) and Twitch (norm_the_ryno).