New Year’s Resolutions: Ravnica Edition

It’s 2019! That’s right, it’s time to celebrate this arbitrary day where our planet is in approximately the same arbitrary spot that it was one year ago. Very exciting! Lots of people use this time to make a New Year’s Resolution #NewYearNewMe, and the guilds of Ravnica are no different. I’ve collected the Top 10 New Year’s resolutions that people make, and based on your resolution, you might gain a better idea of which guild you belong to.

10. Read More

If you’re anything like the Azorius, there’s nothing that gets you quite so excited as the smell of fresh ink on parchments, of words woven together in a tapestry of bureaucracy and red tape, of laws built to keep the poor down and the rich on top. If you’re serious about reading more in 2019, the Azorius have a challenge for you: try reading every bill that goes before Congress for a vote. If you’re not feeling the adrenaline after a year of bylaws, amendments, and roman numerals, you probably don’t belong in the Azorius.

 9. Travel More 

Everyone wants to travel and see the sights, the greatest that nature has to offer. Of course, the Gruul are particularly adept at this, and they have some wonderful news: there are a slew of great things you can see without even traveling that far! Travel to the zoo, unlock some cages, and watch animals devour humans (and each other) whole. Travel deep into the woods, stay there for a few months, and, after honing your craft, return to civilization to hunt the most dangerous game. Embrace your inner savagery, and no matter where you travel, you’ll find plenty of free food!

 8. Spend More Time with Family and Friends

The Selesnya know that the best thing about friends and family is that they can be recruited. Perhaps you’re tired of political divides and disagreements cropping up among your family members at Thanksgiving dinner. Well, it turns out you’ve been spending time with the wrong family! The right family is the one that joins together in a commune, brainwashes its newest members, and jointly believes that they are all one mouthpiece for the voice of a divine being. After all, there can’t be any disagreement when you’re all just one, big happy cult!

 7. Quit Smoking

When smoke pours from your room on a regular basis, people start to ask uncomfortable questions. Why is the smoke purple? What happened to your ventilation system? Why is your exterior wall gone? Science is important, and only through trial and error will progress be made. However, the Izzet know that where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Therefore, if you hide the smoke, you can have as much fire as you want and nobody will ask any questions until they find your corpse a few weeks later. So take this resolution to heart! Quit smoking so much; you’ll get away with so much more.

6. Save More Money/Spend Less

Spending less money is hard, which is why a better version of this New Year’s Resolution is not to spend less money overall, but to spend less of your money. You see, once you find someone who owes you, you can just drain their blood and sell the plasma. Ta-da, free money! Then you can go ahead and spend it as you please. The Orzhov know what’s up; all you have to do is collect your debts, in any form that can be sold for cold, hard cash.

 5. Live Life to the Fullest

The Rakdos know how to throw a party. They key is not letting what other people, society, or your parents, think get in the way of you having the time of your life all the time. You ever get the urge to give into your road rage and drag race down the highway coming within an inch of death? Well, why not? What’s the worst that could happen? Hell, just the other day, I burned down my buddy’s house because we needed a bonfire to cook some hot dogs over, and I only lost one side of my face in the inferno! Everything’s fine, live a little!

 4. Learn a New Skill

Who hasn’t dreamed that a large, hairy man would one day kidnap them as they hid in their closet, bring them to a deserted cabin, and tell them that they were a wizard? The Simic know that this is setting your aspirations far too low. Why be a Human Wizard when you could be a Human Insect Wizard? Or an Elf Pufferfish Rogue? Or a Merfolk Jellyfish Poet? The possibilities are literally endless, and there’s no better way of picking up a new skill than simply transplanting something to help. Who fishes better than a shark? Who flies better than a bird? Wanna do both? Great! You’re a Human Shark Bird Mutant now, and you’re going to be the best fly fisherman the world has ever seen.

 3. Get Organized

Nothing is more important for a successful 2019 than ensuring that you’re well-positioned to take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way. Staying organized is key. It’s important to know exactly who your spies are in each organization you’re interested in, what blackmail you have on each power player in your circle, and, of course, who is planning to take out a hit on you. The Dimir know that the best way to stay organized is to simply isolate anyone who is about to make things messy and stab them in the back. Or the front. Or poison them. Dead is dead.

 2. Lose Weight

The Golgari Swarm are weight-loss experts. This season work off all those extra holiday pounds by rotting a little. As a recycled Golgari plant zombie thing, you definitely won’t weight as much as you did in life; after all, your organs have been put toward great causes like the insect feeder that your sewer-neighbor set up. The zombie insects will appreciate your liver far more than you ever did. While you won’t necessarily get fitter, you will definitely lose weight. And the ability to eat food, which is probably good if you want to keep the weight off.

 1. Exercise More

So you want to exercise more? Maybe you’re interested in a flatter stomach? Some abs? A nice bicep or two? Well, if you join the Boros Legion, you’ll get all of this and more! Our workouts make you so fit, you’ll grow another six or seven feet in only one month! You’ll lift hammers that are bigger than people, and, better yet, you’ll get to drop them on people! Well, the people that we tell you to drop them on. If we’re making you Boros-fit, then you’ll need to do your time in the streets with us. But while you’re fighting crime, you’ll also be in the best shape of your life.

Ryan Normandin is a grinder from Boston who has lost at the Pro Tour, in GP & SCG Top 8's, and to 7-year-olds at FNM. Despite being described as "not funny" by his best friend and "the worst Magic player ever" by Twitch chat, he cheerfully decided to blend his lack of talents together to write funny articles about Magic.