The Top 8 Ways a Relationship Can End – Told Through Magic Cards

Have your attempts to End Hostilities with your significant other failed? Perhaps your SO is a Cheatyface, or, more likely, a Cheaty-with-other-body-parts. If we want to be realistic, it’s probably you who’s the problem, and you’ve forced your SO to take on the role of Endbringer.

Regardless of the details, your relationship is over, and now there’s a fun clickbait article to help you process the deterioration of something you never quite understood through something that you do understand – Magic: the Gathering.

1. Natural End

It’s been fun, but you’re just in different places in your lives. Your SO is climbing the ranks of their company and keeps asking you to get a job. They just don’t understand that you’re so close to finally making it onto the Pro Tour. And even though you haven’t yet been able to qualify, you have no doubt that once you do, you’ll easily spike it. And once that happens, well… everyone knows that MTG pros are simply rolling in cash.

Therefore, it’s time to call it quits on this relationship thing. You’re a disappointment to your SO, and your SO is mostly just a distraction to your Dorito-fueled Pro Tour dreams. With the original enchantment you felt gone, your relationship has reached its Natural End.

2. Glorious End

Arguably, this is the best kind of end. Your SO has done something bad – they spilled a drink on your Magic cards, stole your Magic cards, or, the deadliest of sins… they’ve sold your Magic cards. Things slightly more minor could also justify such an end, such as, oh, I don’t know… cheating on you with your best friend since middle school? I’ve heard some people get all torn up over things like that.

Anyway, regardless of what they’ve done, it’s payback time. That presentation they’re giving at work tomorrow? Time to replace it with a video of you breaking up with them and outing them in front of all their coworkers as a Bad Person^TM! You happen to know the next time they’re gettin’ down with their sidepiece? Time to put those hacking skillz to use and rig their phone to videochat their parents at the perfect moment! So many fun possibilities!

Though you’ll tell the story of your Glorious End for all time, it’s actually a bit of self-delusion. You’ll always feel a dirty on the inside when you retell it, as you gradually realize that it doesn’t actually put you in a much better light than your SO. Yes, you ended things and proved that you would go to any length to do so… but you also lost the game in the process.

3. Utter End

I don’t know what it was, but something scarred you pretty bad about this relationship, and you’re determined to entirely scrub any record of their existence from your life. Texts? Gone. Facebook? Blocked. Place where you lived together for seven years? Burned to the ground. You’ve reached out to your contact at the NSA to wipe them from… well… everything. No more Social Security number, no more photos that pop up in Google searches, and, worst of all… no more DCI number. They’re gone. Completely exiled from society, they just don’t exist anymore.

4. Hideous End

We all know this kind of breakup. Shrieking, screaming, crying – the works. You’ve both been destroyed, and between the two of you, you feel like you’ve lost two lifetimes. Your passion burned bright, but eventually, it consumed you. The wild trysts were good at first, but put both of you in a room together for too long, and you could be sure that the room wouldn’t be standing for much longer. Though the end was hideous, you’ll always look back longingly upon your wild trysts – maybe even give it another try. But no matter what you do, the cost in human lives lost as a result of your whirlwind of chaos is just too high.

5. Nightmarish End

Probably the most-feared of all the breakups on this list. You found out, far too late, that your SO is insane. Not “ugh, my SO won’t stop texting me” insane. We’re talking “I woke up last night and my SO was leaning over my face with a mallet, a razor, and a toothpick” insane. They may be psychotic, but they’re smart enough to hold all the cards. They know your weak spots and exploit them without a second thought. These are the people who don’t attack you physically… they attack your mind, calling forth your most intimate nightmares and turning them against you. You might’ve managed to end it, but you’ll be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your days. And you’ll never look at a toothpick the same again.

6. Wit’s End

It took a long time, but you’ve finally lost it. Sure, the way they slurp each noodle from their pasta used to be cute, but now it’s infuriating. You’ve put in the time, you’ve put in the effort, and it’s just not worth it anymore. This breakup may or may not be mutual when it’s first brought up, but, deep down, you both know there’s nothing left. You put up a good face to people outside, making it look like you had full hand, but in fact, you were both holding nothing but garbage. Time to throw it away and hope the dealer that is life gives you something better.

7. Voyage’s End

No matter how many travel alerts go out, people still keep on traveling to Ixalan. Yes, Ixalan used to be a great vacation hotspot, but now it’s a deathtrap. Not only is it packed full with bloodthirsty vampires (we’re not counting your SO here), you literally cannot leave. That cruise the two of you took to relax and get some alone time together is looking a whole lot worse once you realize that alone time is lasting on the order of years instead of a weekend.

Alas, matey… eventually, you, like everyone else on this god-forsaken paradise, will realize that your boat has a plank for a reason.

8. Emrakul, the Promised End

The most tragic ending of a relationship, and one that too many people have suffered through. When you started dating your SO, they were, well… human. But then, the changes started happening. No, I don’t mean they started farting and burping in front of you and leaving their dirty underwear on the floor. More subtle things.

An extra toe here. An extra finger there. You might’ve pretended not to notice, but then winter rolled around, and those gloves just didn’t fit the same. And then the tentacles started. Them talking about “we’mrakul” and “I’mrakul” and “take-out-the-trash-already’mrakul.” Eventually, you couldn’t ignore that they just weren’t the same person you once knew; they’d changed. You were planning on breaking things off, but then…

Everything changed. You noticed an extra mouth forming on the back of your neck in the mirror. Additional eyes began replacing the freckles dotting your cheeks. And before long, you’mrakul felt closer than ever to your SO’mrakul. You were all together’mrakul. Together, you were truly all one. It’s just like your mom always said: the best relationships are the ones that eventually get hijacked by giant, Lovecraftian tentacle monsters.

Ryan’mrakul is a grinder from Boston with SCG & GP Top 8’s and a PT Day 2. His fragile self-esteem is built on approval from others’mrakul, so be sure to tell him what you think of his articles on Twitter @RyanNormandin.