Top 8 MTG Cards for your New Years Resolutions
As 2017 draws to a close, many are looking back fondly on memories of Aetherworks Marvel, Felidar Guardian, and Temur Energy mirrors. But we also look forward to 2018 with all of our hopes and dreams for the future! If you’re looking for a New Year resolution for 2018 that you can forget about and break by February, look no further – I’ve got you covered. And what better model for a New Year resolution than the Gatewatch?
1. Oath of Gideon
Be sure to focus almost entirely on resolutions around physical fitness. Lift lots of heavy metal things, work on your swordssuralsmanship, and sculpt those abs until they’re lickable. If you’re lacking in motivation, think back to that time that you accidentally massacred your friends. Because hubris and stuff.
2. Oath of Jace
Because you probably don’t have telepathic powers, you’re going to need lots and lots of drugs. With enough of them, there’s a chance that you can forget who you are with the same frequency that Jace does. Remember that you’re shooting for complete amnesia; being a little foggy in the morning and not remembering why you’re wearing a full-body spandex suite while hugging several antique owl figurines is nowhere near what you’re aiming for. Easy test – if you remember where you spent the first 15 years of your life, then you’re not Jaceing hard enough.
3. Oath of Liliana
If this is the oath you’re interested in, then you should manipulate your friends into paying for a cryonics membership. I recommend Alcor, which only costs around $200,000 to make sure that when you “die,” you’ll be preserved until some indeterminate time in the future when technology is good enough to wake you up, download your brain into a walking iPhone, and grant you immortality. Even if it is as a slave to our robot overloads.
4. Oath of Chandra
How do you feel about arson? If you felt slightly aroused by this question, then the Oath of Chandra is for you! Buy out your local corner store of matches and those tiny colorful lighters. After that, you want to make sure everybody around you knows that you love fire. The best way to do that? Make the fire really big, really bright, and avoid being caught until you’re out of lighter fluid. This doesn’t mean you need to last long; you just need to use up the fluid very, very quickly. If this is the oath you’ve chosen, you’re in luck! You probably won’t be around to break it in February.
5. Oath of Nissa
If you’re living in a house, ditch it. It’s time to go live in the woods and find yourself. But before you do, you need to make sure that everyone hates you. Tell every person you see that Earth’s soul, Ashaya, is calling to you. Say this with a jubilant smile on your face. When people are super sick of you, give them a little bit more. When you’re in danger of bodily harm, go into the woods and find yourself and, more importantly and also kind of yourself, Ashaya. Become unreasonably despondent when you find that you can’t feel Ashaya. Become unreasonably exuberant when you understand that Ashaya was within you all along. Repeat this weekly, each time failing to learn from your past mistakes. And if anyone ever claims to recognize you as an interesting, three-dimensional individual who had deep personal flaws, but struggled to learn and grow from those, just remind them that you’ve been ret-conned. You’re a one-dimensional caricature of a hippie now!
6. Oath of Ajani
This New Year resolution is for those with a few more years under their belts. If you’re getting up there in age and wisdom, then embrace it! This is extra relevant for people like teachers and parents. You want to make sure that you’re caring for all the young, impulsive pipsqueaks that surround you. Give them plenty of loving, caring advice, and maybe sacrifice an eye for them. Or something. Then, sit back and watch as they repeatedly ignore your advice, throw themselves into harm’s way, and tackle challenges way too large for them to handle. Then, after they’ve betrayed each other, had their minds wiped, and been scattered throughout the multiverse, it’s going to fall to you to clean up their mess and remind them that they should’ve listened to you. They’ll nod, thank you, and promise to do better. This will be promptly followed by them running with scissors, playing with matches, texting while driving, and trying to fight ancient demigod dragons by themselves.
7. Peach Garden Oath
This is what I expect to be the most common resolution among Magic players. Find two friends (one of whom has great hair) to form a team with. Play a lot of Magic with the goal of winning the World Championship, Top 8’ing countless GP’s, and winning a bunch of Pro Tours. When you inevitably fail to live up to this, remember that you were the one who chose to set the bar so high; you could’ve just chosen Chandra’s Oath. At least you’d be warm.
8. Warrior’s Oath
The card pretty much says it all, but is better expanded from one year to a resolution for life in general. You’re only living once, and the game is going to end no matter what you do. Each year is an extra turn; be grateful for the time, make the most of what you have, and don’t end the game with cards left in your hand (unless you’re a control player).
Happy New Year!
Ryan is a grinder from Boston with SCG & GP Top 8’s and a PT Day 2. His fragile self-esteem is built on approval from others, so be sure to tell him what you think of his articles on Twitter @RyanNormandin.
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