Top 8 MTG Cards to Prepare You for the Super Bowl
(Special thanks to Key & Peele’s East/West Bowl, from where I obtained many of my football players’ names.)
- Rise of Eagles
It’s been 13 years since the Eagles have risen to compete in a Super Bowl. However, they’ve never actually won a Super Bowl before, losing to the New England Patriots in 2005. Will history repeat itself? Will the New England Patriots be overrun by 2/2 blue Bird enchantment creature tokens with flying, since that’s apparently what qualifies as an Eagle in Magic: the Gathering? Or, like Wizards printed Back to Nature in the core set following Theros block, will the New England Patriots bring an absurdly overpowered answer to a completely reasonable and fair team, crushing it into the dust? Technically, only time will tell, but non-technically, we all know the answer is “yes.”
- Coldsteel Heart
Unfortunately, Wizards of the Coast has never referenced “Patriots” in their cards. My hopes are high that, someday, we’ll get our American Revolution set. Chandra helping a band of dirty, upstart ‘Muricans dump a bunch of Wizard-tea into the Boston Wizard-Harbor. Gideon leading some patriots against the crown. Liliana playing both sides of the conflict. Jace writing widely influential essays that will go on to form the new constitution. And, of course, Nissa… laying in some plants, searching for Ashaya. (spoiler alert: Ashaya was within her all along!)
But until that set comes, we’ll need another card to represent the New England Patriots or, more specifically, their coach. There is on doubt in my mind that, when Bill Belichick’s body is examined post-mortem, this is what they will find in his chest. This explains why he so lacks the ability to feel that he struggles to even mimic human emotions. He’s a creature of pure, cold, unfeeling logic. I don’t envy the mortician who has to fight off a bevy of coaches all trying to steal this from Belichick’s cold, dead chest when his body’s operating system finally shuts down after winning the requisite number of Super Bowls.
- Coma Veil
Coma Veil is perfect, as it exactly embodies the NFL’s approach to the concussion problem.
“Mr. Commissioner! Mr. Commissioner! Is it true that Joey Hothands Quarterback Johnson will be out for the season with a concussion?!”
“No, Meredith, Joey is fine. He is simply… having trouble untapping during his untap step.”
“Mr. Commissioner! What is the NFL doing to tackle this concussion problem?!”
“First, Ron, I appreciate the pun you made there. Very funny, very funny indeed. But let me remind you that the NFL doesn’t have a concussion problem; our game is a tough, exhausting, physical one. And after years of playing it… well… you simply don’t always untap during your untap step.”
- Fatal Push
The receiver has caught the ball. They’re running down the field, but the other team is in hot pursuit. A couple of the pursuers leap for a tackle too early so that they can fall, miss, and finally stop running while still claiming that “they tried.” But then…
Someone runs in from the side at an angle. Uh-oh – It’s Ozamataz Buckshank! He and Beezer Twelve Washingbeard, who has the ball, have a well-known (now that the announcers are telling us) rivalry between them.
Buckshank runs up to Washingbeard. It looks like he’s got the tackle – but wait! NO! Buckshank kicks Washingbeard in the chest!
Whistles blow as the referees call foul. The field is covered in yellow flags, as every ref wants the other refs to see that they’re good at calling fouls and totally didn’t just copy the first one to throw out a flag.
“I did nothing wrong!” he shouts. “I just pushed him!”
“Sir,” says the ref, “the replay clearly depicts a kick.”
Washingbeard is slow to get up. Hopefully, he’ll still be able to untap during his untap step.
- Master of Arms
Of course, I’d be remiss not to mention the other key character on the New England Patriots: Tom Brady. This guy is definitely the master of his arms. And of deflating footballs. But the important thing is his arms!!!
While the individual depicted in the art of this card is not as hot as Brady and is probably not married to a supermodel, he is definitely around the right age for Brady. But you can tell, he is not bothered by it. After all, everyone knows that Tom has 10,000 copies of this card plastering his walls at home so he’ll never forget the flavor text: “Being the best usually means proving it to everyone.”
Tom nods knowingly. Gerrard totally must’ve been a quarterback. He gets it. Of course, the other reason Tom has so many of these at home is to remind himself that he is mortal and, like Master of Arms, could become completely useless with a rules update. Or an injury. Pretty much the same thing.
- Disciple of the Ring
NFL players get more excited about rings than just about any other person I know. Can you imagine if they went to Vryn? GIANT RINGS EVERYWHERE. They’d be so excited. And jealous that the Vrynians have bigger rings than them.
- Ball Lightning
“Tom Brady throws the ball so fast, it has trample!” -Tommy, Magic Player to Veronica, Tom Brady fan
Now, you don’t actually want a football to have trample. That would pretty much guarantee that you would not be untapping during your untap step, if you catch my drift. You also don’t need to sacrifice the football after the play (unless it’s too-far deflated). But you do want it to be a hasty little football with a can-do attitude! Unfortunately, the NFL’s ban on Ball Lightning continues to remain in effect since its creation in 1897, when T.J. A.J. R.J. Backslashinfourth V threw Ball Lightning so intense that it caused Ã (the player formerly known as Mousecop) to never untap again.
- Emrakul, the Promised End
For a moment, pretend that you have never heard of football. Never watched a game. What would you honestly think of a game in which men weighing many hundred pounds repeatedly smashed into each other, giving each other concussions, for the entertainment of a roaring crowd?
You’d probably think, why would they do that? That seems strange. Irrational. And the same goes for the crowd. There must be something influencing their minds… Passion? Alcohol? Or… something more sinister’mrakul? And is that an extra finger I see…?
All I’m saying is that if Emrakul corrupted a population of people without them noticing, football is totally the sport that they would play. As such, be careful; if you see a giant tentacle monster hovering over the stadium this Super Bowl Sunday… well, I’d tell you to run, but it’s already too late.
Ryan is a grinder from Boston with SCG & GP Top 8’s and a PT Day 2. His fragile self-esteem is built on approval from others, so be sure to tell him what you think of his articles on Twitter @RyanNormandin and in his Twitch chat at twitch.tv/norm_the_ryno.
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