Top 8 MTG Gift Ideas

Are you looking for a last-minute gift for that special someone? Thinking about going the cop-out route and just getting a gift card? Instead, consider getting one of these gift cards instead!

 8. Rofellos’s Gift

Remember that ugly ceramic alpaca that your cousin Rofellos got you last holiday season? Pretty sure we never actually unpacked that. In fact, if you’re looking for a last minute gift for someone who you don’t really care about, why not just repackage a gift you don’t want? Regifting is a timeless tradition that you should never feel bad about. After all, back when we gave that crayon drawing to our parents, they told us that it was the thought that counts. At least that’s what I’ve heard; my parents told me that nobody would ever pay a cent for my doodle, and I’d better start using “big boy” tools like paintbrushes if I ever wanted to make it in the Louvre.

 7. Gift of Granite

But perhaps you’ve realized that you’ve only purchased presents for your two children that you like; you completely forgot that you actually have three children. At this point, you should ask yourself a couple of questions. Did you really forget about Tommy? Or is Tommy just such an embarrassment to your genes that you pretended he wasn’t your son? And then, just maybe, you started to believe it. Isn’t it more likely that your spouse cheated on you with an ugly, nerdy monster who doesn’t see the beauty in garage sales? How could one of your children not love garage sales? It just doesn’t make sense.

Anyways, rather than get a half-hearted gift for Tammy, such as a crayon doodle, perhaps you can get him something to emphasize that he needs to change if he wants to earn the love of his parents. Nothing sends the message of, “You suck; change and maybe I’ll love you,” like coal in the stocking! This holiday season, give the gift that they’ll remember all year long, lie about at school when their friends are all showing off their new Juuls, and have the opposite effect of what you wanted as they fall into a dark spiral of drugs and garage sale-hating.

 6. Gift of the Woods

Of course, the problem with coal in the stocking is that it tells the child that they’re human garbage and need to change, but it doesn’t give them the tools to do so. Why not do both?

Wake them up bright and early and tell them you’re going to take them on a holiday adventure, just the two of you! Why, they’ll be so excited that you even remembered their name, they’ll leap at the opportunity to engage in a potential bonding experience with you. That’s when you blindfold them, throw them in the back of the truck you picked up at a garage sale, and drive them deep into the woods. Be sure to blare Christmas music loudly to drown out their screams; we don’t need to give the neighbors anything else to gossip about.

Once you’re deep into the woods, reveal to Timmy that you want to give them a gift that will help them for the rest of their lives: the gift of building survival skills, character, and an immunity to bacteria common in rivers. Leave them in the woods to develop themselves, and you’ll be guaranteed to have a nice holiday with the two kids you like. And who knows? Maybe when if Timmy ever finds his way home, he’ll be someone you can actually feel a modicum of affection for.

 5. Gift of Tusks

But enough about Tory the Disappointment Child! You likely have someone in your family with exotic tastes. You know the type: they have a lot of money, a lot of expensive cars and clothing, and you’re hoping they’ll write you into their will. To lock up that inheritance, you have to be sure to treat them right while they’re still clinging to life’s last threads. What do you get someone who has everything? Something they aren’t legally allowed to have!

This holiday season, consider going to the zoo with a rifle, blowing up an elephant, and putting those tusks toward something useful. You know, like serving as the ivory ticket into your inheritance. Forbidden fruit are always the tastiest, and if you can stay out of jail long enough for Aunt Edith to kick the can, you can just buy yourself out of prison with Edith’s ivory-earned money.

 4. Gifts Ungiven

Money can be tight around the holidays, and you don’t always have enough to get something for the person who deserves it the most: yourself! There’s a clever way around this, of course. Pick out some great gifts that you would love and randomly distribute them to your lucky loved ones. When Grandpa Albert opens up those tickets to the death metal concert, turn his confused frown upside down by pointing out the opportunity for grandfather-grandson bonding time. If your two-year-old nephew tries to put that Rolex into his mouth, graciously offer to hold onto it until he can treat it with proper respect in, like, sixty years or so. A gift like this is so special because it makes both the recipient and the giver happy; otherwise, gift-giving is mostly just paying a tithe to keep your family around.

 3. Gift of Estates

While we’re talking about making sure that numero uno is a happy camper, it’s always a good idea to have a list ready to go when others ask what you want for the holidays. As I’ve insinuated, I’m working hard on sliding my way into Aunt Edith’s will, and one gift she could give me early is her vacation home. Let’s be real: when you look at her FitBit, it’s pretty easy to get her heart rate and her step count mixed up. She hasn’t walked to the kitchen, let alone left the house, in years. If she’s not using that beachfront property, why not let someone young, eager to buy love, and related to you use it? And don’t get me started on her other properties; the Vermont cabin on acres of land, the Texas ranch, the flying sub-orbital space station. While she slowly decays in the pre-cemetery of Florida, there’s lots of good land (and space station) being wasted! Come on, Edith, hand it on over to me! I sent you that birthday card once, remember? I totally deserve it.

 2. Gift of Immortality 

When people ask what they can get you, immortality is always atop my short list. But immortality is impossible, you might protest upon hearing my outrageous demand. Perhaps, but being remembered long after your passing is pretty close. With Washington State, Washington D.C., the Washington Monument, and George Z. Washington’s Splashy Dashy Car Wash downtown, President George Washington has basically achieved immortality. So while some morons ask others to donate to a charity in lieu of a gift, you should ask friends and family to donate to a monument. For you. It’ll be a great monument, the best monument, absolutely fantastic. It’ll be tall, so tall, way taller, way thicker, and way more phallic than that fraud Washed-Up Washington’s monument. Is there any better gift than rewriting the skyline with your name emblazoned on it in Comic Sans?

 1. God-Pharaoh’s Gift

Okay, there actually is one gift that’s better. Interplanar undead armies kind of rule. Literally. Like, think about how easy it would be to get Edith to just die already and give you her land if you could have a metallic, mummified warrior just take her out and then turn her into another metallic, mummified warrior. A superstrong army would also be really efficient at building you plenty of monuments, and in all different worlds, too! This… this is the gift that keeps on giving.

So remember: if anyone is still looking for a last-minute gift for me, consider embalming anyone who has annoyed me in magical molten rock and giving me the reins. I promise I’m responsible, mature, and not at all vindictive.

Happy Holidays!

Ryan Normandin is a grinder from Boston who has lost at the Pro Tour, in GP & SCG Top 8's, and to 7-year-olds at FNM. Despite being described as "not funny" by his best friend and "the worst Magic player ever" by Twitch chat, he cheerfully decided to blend his lack of talents together to write funny articles about Magic.