Top 8 Wedding Related Magic Cards
Wedding bells are in the air! With Crimson Vow to be pre-released next week, I decided to look back at the most romantic cards in Magic.
For some, no fancy wedding ceremony is necessary! Weddings are expensive, and if Crimson Vow is anything to go by, quite dangerous. Not to mention seeing a bunch of people who you don’t really like just so they can talk about how they still wish you stayed with your middle school date to the fall dance that you dated for a week and a half because they were just so much more likable than whoever this is. Heading to a courthouse, internet minister, or Las Vegas blow-up tent and getting a signoff that you’re married is really all that’s needed. Afterward, you’re still all set to get the legal benefits that come with marriage – tax deductions, filing taxes jointly, and IRA benefits. So romantic!
Maybe you’re not interested in a big ceremony, but you still want to go for something more romantic than the courthouse where you divorced your last spouse. Or perhaps you come from two families that have been feuding for generations and would never approve a union with their mortal enemy. So instead, you flee together for an exciting elopeningTM! Though you recognize that the proper term is eloping, elopening just sounds more like what you imagined marriage to be like, so you stick with that.
You grab each other by the hand and run through the unwashed streets of New York City, tripping over detritus and avoiding areas with too much trash heaped into a pile on the side of the road. Who cares if it’s not as romantic as the movies made it out to be? Who cares if the dress you wore is destroyed by the same chemical waste that is slowly but inexorably devouring our very planet? Who cares if, as you work your way through the city celebrating the happiest day of your life, you’re given a front-row seat to the sorrows and destitution of the multitudes at the hands of a capitalist society that chews up children and spits out dollars?
IT’S YOUR WEDDING DAY, GOSH DARN IT, AND YOU DESERVE A RAINBOW SPICE FLUFFERBUN WITH EXTRA SPRINKLES!
But perhaps you’re a traditionalist! You prefer a wedding ceremony in a church, a backyard, or an inconveniently distant location that will require guests to spend inordinate amounts of money just to reach it in addition to buying gifts and paying for the cash bar. Regardless, there’s an aura of holiness to these; you’re not just signing your name on the dotted line, you’re becoming one soul. One body (nice). One set of covers that your spouse always grabs and pulls onto their side leaving you naked and cold and feeling so alone even though they’re only inches away from you, wondering how you got here, why you can’t fall asleep, and why their snores are that loud.
But yes. Holiness. Divinity. A bond bridging heaven and earth. It’s truly a magical institution, this marriage thing, and that’s what you’re celebrating, even if your spouse is a monster who thinks that the toilet paper roll should be pulled from underneath.
Regardless of your approach, marriage is about making a promise. You say “I do” to caring for them in sickness and health, loving them whether they’re rich or poor (let’s be real, one of those is way more likely), and accepting that you’re going to have to deal with their family, including that weird cousin. But most of all, you’re accepting the fact that NEVER AGAIN WILL YOUR TOILET PAPER ROLL MAKE SENSE.
Okay, I’m not crazy, right? Like, toilet paper from below is difficult to reach, awkward to pull, and it just feels backward. I’ve sprained my wrist twice from trying to swiftly execute the toilet paper-pulling and tearing maneuver that is entirely unnecessary if you simply put the toilet paper on the correct way. Everyone getting married is worried about stupid, minor things like prenups and whether to have children, but it’s only after the knot is tied that you’re forced to deal with the sinking realization that you’ll never again have an easy time tearing off a square of toilet paper. RIP.
Let’s be honest, Disney does not set people up for success with “kisses of true love.” Do you have any idea how many salmonella outbreaks were caused by kids running around rubbing their tongues all over frogs? Sorry, kiddo, instead of happily ever after, you got diarrhea, fever, and stomach cramps. Who even came up with kissing? “Hey, let’s rub our foodholes together and I’ll pretend not to notice the burrito you had for lunch. We brush our teeth two or more times a day because our mouths are so disgusting, but let’s not think twice about slopping saliva all over.” It’s hard to believe that the same people telling kids not to touch their faces are willingly licking the dirtiest part of other people’s faces.
But hey, that’s true love, amirite?
Okay, so this one doesn’t actually make a ton of sense, but just imagine if it did. If every wedding ceremony culminated in getting dunked into a giant smoking chalice that was like, “Until death do us part? Screw that!” And then every time one half of the couple died, they just popped right back out of the smoky bowl as long as the other half of the couple was alive. That’d be way more metal than Wizard’s weird Kaldheim ad campaign. The downside, of course, is that this could incentivize some pretty unhealthy behaviors in the event where one member of the couple wants out, and the only thing standing in the way is their partner… We’d probably get some cool movies out of it though, so that seems like a decent tradeoff.
2. Ever After
I think the important thing for a successful post-mortal relationship is to keep expectations realistic. You have to remember that, now that you’re both zombies, things are going to be a little different from when you had a heart that actually beat. First of all, bad breath is almost a guarantee, as is a general increase in unpleasant scents. Second, with rotting flesh and a generally dysfunctional body, you have to be honest with your partner that certain… things… might not work as well as they did when you were both alive. That’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s just something to have a conversation about. Of course, that’s why we offer Necrolis, available at a pharmacy near you, though almost definitely not covered by insurance.
Brisela is truly a model couple. They work well together, they found a great compromise around changing their names, and with two heads, they still get to live their own lives and have their own interests. Are there a few more tentacles than I would involve in my own relationship? Sure, but I don’t judge; they’ve found what works for them and they’ve leaned into it, which I have a lot of respect for. As far as I’m concerned, Brisela is the ultimate #RelationshipGoals.
Ryan Normandin is a grinder from Boston who has lost at the Pro Tour, in GP & SCG Top 8's, and to 7-year-olds at FNM. Despite being described as "not funny" by his best friend and "the worst Magic player ever" by Twitch chat, he cheerfully decided to blend his lack of talents together to write funny articles about Magic.
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